Leavin' the live, livin' the leave.

Alright, updating early today.

Another post bout my thoughts, so its ok if you guys aint gonna read it.

Somehow im pretty thankful that my parents got me in for madr.

Like, i know i dread waking up early on a SUNDAY morning and everything while everyones asleep.

But thats just it right? Thats the only thing i dread, waking up early. Besides that everything goes fine.

Madr is fun, id say. I have awesome friends there, and the Ustad(zah)s are awesome as well.

Well, in a way.

Today is the last day for the term, one month off from madr.

Ustdz Hasanah, my form teacher, said that we'll be dismissed early.

But before dismissal, she talked to our class. Of 12. I know, alot of people ponteng.

Anyway, what she said gave such a big impact.

Ive been thinking about it.

Ill just mention the words for the girls.

I remember her saying something like,

"Awak semua dah besar-besar. Saya dah tak payah bilang lagi aper awak harus buat. Saya tak tahu lah kalau awak keluar tutup aurat atau tidak. Tetapi awak fikir lah, kenapa orang perempuan mesti tutup aurat? Kenapa? Kerana orang perempuan itu Permata. Seperti Permata yang disimpan di dalam, selagi ia disimpan, dijaga, lebih tinggi lah nilainya. Kalau ia dibuka, ditunjukkan kepada semua orang, dah tak ader lagi nilainya. Lebih banyak awak tunjuk, awak dah tak ader nilai. Awak fikir lah, kalau awak keluar, pergi jalan-jalan, kalau awak kena langgar, awak mati dengan keadaan tidak tutup aurat, ke mana tempat awak di akhirat nanti? Awak semua dah besar, boleh fikir sendiri."

Much bigger impact in malay than in english. So if you guys dont understand then, well, i guess youre just not meant to.

So it got me thinking very super deeeeeep alright.

It got me scared.

It got me wanting to change, i have very very strong urge to, really, i swear, across my heart.

But..im not strong enough. Not at this point of time.

I know, theres no fuckin excuse to change.

Theres no fuckin excuse in wanting to do the right thing.

Theres no fuckin excuse for God.

And i want to change, im sick of this.

How can i expect happiness from God when i cant make Him happy?

Man, everythings pushing me down.

Sociallife. The most difficult thing of all, the most difficult thing to handle.

Well, i cant, thats for sure.

I just think that, i dont want to be happy your way.

I want to be happy, like that.

Like how a human is supposed to be happy, and satisfied at the very least.

The worst thing is, i did it, i stopped and i cant do it again.

Now it already dont matter what Mum says.

It already dont matter what Grandmum says.

It already dont matter what Dad says.

It dont matter no more.

They want the best for me then, not now.

I tell myself i shouldve listened.

But would society let me?

Why do i let society decide?

Why do i let society win me over?

WHY LIN WHY.

Ustdz then played a song called Perpisahan.

Dismissed.

Walked out, and just before going down the stairs, she came up to Atiqah Nad & I saying "Eh saya belum salam awak."

And then she salam-ed me.

She salam-ed me.

Yes.

I was very surprised, i mean, why would she salam me, i was the one whos supposed to salam her.

Then she gave a hug.

Strong feeling shes leaving.

Haiy. Got me upset.

I even thought whether its easier to live as a girl or a boy.

As a girl, its difficult to take care of your aurat and everything else.

And as a boy, its difficult to resist temptations.

So ive learned to treasure things when i still have them, cos you dont realize it till its gone.

Yeah, ive been losing alot lately.

& thinking back, i never really treasured those times.

Because i took advantage of them, all of them.

I thought that these people ive lost would stay with me throughout, all the way.

But, thankfully, i havent lost them completely.

I only lost a part of them, and i can still get back what i lost.

I hope.

& when you lose something, really lose something, you just have to go on with something else.

You just have to.

Like it or not, you have to make yourself like it.

Im learning to accept everyone in my life.

Because i choose to make the best out of my life.

Life is short, the years dont matter.

I can die tomorrow, or maybe the next day, maybe even tonight.

I dont want to..

But you really never know.

I want to change back.

But im losing everything.

I want to work alone.

I want a mind where i can tell myself what im doing is right.

Can i have that?

No i cant have that.