The Unseen

Maybe this is just a little random was looking thru a wall of words and suddenly my eyes and brain got locked on this sentence.
"And no "khai chill" would work on me."
heh why was my eyes and brain got locked on this?

Let me start to peel this.

You guys think about it ya?

Or perhaps rather not.

Its ok if you guys aint gonna read it, cos i have a feeling it'll be neverending typing.

It wouldnt help if you read it anyway.

Part 1:

Firstly, this is open.

So what does it mean? What does chill actually mean?

To me, it just means relax, dont think about it, and take it easy.

What does work on me actually mean?

To me, it just means that there is no impact to that on me, i wouldnt listen to it, ignored unhelpful inefficient.

After typing the first four lines i went offline and lay down in bed to really peel and think about it.

I planned about what i wanted to say, i knew what i wanted to type, i felt what i thought and lastly when i got to this stage, to say it all out, i forget them.

Awesome you are Lin.

Perhaps its just that i dont understand life. Mkay duh, obviously i do not understand life.

And i dont know if i want to.

Do you?

Well, i sat, or rather lay, thinking what impact each of you have on me.

What one thing each of you did to make me have you in my life.

What ten and one things each of you did to make me decide that you guys will stay with me.

What a hundred and one ways each of you did to have such a big impact on my life.

What a thousand and one ways each of you did to make me happy.

Did you guys thought about it?

Yeah i know i never really did much as a friend, who the heck am i to think about all these things when i myself aint a perfect friend.

Aint a perfect friend.

I know im not always there for each of you, and i never will.

I know i cannot help you guys when you guys cry, i do not have comfort words or a comfort touch but the least i could do for you is tell you to be strong.

The least, you know. There are more that i can do but im not strong enough to do those things..

I cannot tell you to do something when i myself cannot.

I dont want to tell you "move on" when i cannot do that.

BUT, when i tell you "move on kay, cos i know you can", thats when i really mean it because i have not done that yet, but i believe that i know you can even if i cannot. Because perhaps i know that you are much stronger than i am.

With such a huge group of people yet you feel so alone.

Nono, not left out, not at all.

All as One.

But you feel so so alone.

When youre alone, you feel so alone.

When youre with everyone you want to be with, you still feel so alone.

What the heck man. HAHAHA.

(Eating beef curry with potatoes and bread whoa dont you just love curry)

Always you know.

You make a lot of friends or live alone.

Each of you have your own ways of helping me and, well, make me realize things and im thankful to have friends like you guys.

I would really rather have those to make me realize.

Yah you guys should know what im already talking about right?

"Im at it again, caught up in the moment, but not in the right way, im falling in between, tearing up at the seams we're just aiming to please" Poppin' Champange - ATL

Im at it again, at what? Make a guess.

Im caught up in the moment, im stuck there and i cant move there is nowhere to go.

But not in the right way. Obviously not because once im at it again and i get caught up, theres everything to lose.

Im falling in between, would you help me dear God would you please please help me.

Tearing up at the seams we're just aiming to please, everyone is.

Well, i just think that we shouldnt tell anyone to stop it and take things positively when we are happy cos when we are happy we do not think for or like them.

You cannot "____ chill" me why cos you do not understand.

Yes i know that you guys already got what you guys want but hey everyone is different yes ive been telling myself that but dont you just hate it when you wait and wait but you get nothing.

And i would love it.. if you dont be just too happy with me sometimes.. because.. i want somebody to feel the way i do.. because.. i have to be happy when you are.. because.. i want you to talk to me about it.. and i want to talk to you about it too.. because.. that way.. you can know what i think.. and you can just understand..

The thing i came to realize was back at MB.

After MB, we all know what X thought of A.

We got to know what A thought of A2.

We know that R wasnt thinking anything duh.

But we dont know what _ was thinking we do not know at all.

Anyway, i just dont know what God wants me to do now. Nothing?

Im trying, cant you see.

Im "chilling".

Man why the fuck cant you guys understand that NO ____ CHILL WOULD WORK ON ME anymore.

WHY.

BECAUSE ITS JUST SO FUCKING EASY FOR YOU GUYS TO SAY IT.

Yes theres a a reason for everything yes i tell myself that i tell myself that maybe its already written that way in God's book of people's lives that it wouldnt work maybe i should just really wait but if it is like that, WHY DO I KEEP THINKING OF YOU WHY DO I ALWAYS GO ROUND AND GO BACK TO YOU WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK YOU OUT OF THE REST WHY DID GOD LET US MEET WHY DID I HAVE TO KNOW YOU WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP WAITING WHY DONT GOD JUST LET ME UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TO LET IT GO ?!

Well maybe thats why.

"Cant get no love without sacrifice" Happy Ending - Mika

What have i done or not done.

When you lose something, something better comes along.

Do you wait for it to come or do you strive forward to get it?

Do you have a choice?

Im just frustrated with myself.

Why cant i deal with it, why do i have to stuff myself with food, why do i have to get fatter, why cant i be like you, why must life always be imbalanced?

I see people with the one they love, but have problems with those who are to love them eternally.

I dont want you guys to fucking say that its mkay, i dont want you guys to say Lin Chill i dont want you guys to tell me hey over there, i dont want anything.

I dont even know what i want!!!!!!!!!!
Urgh, fuck man just fuck this wholesome life.

& Holey Chickens, i finally know that its not desperation its just how it feels to be waiting without a by-product.

"Give up and let go, im just a girl with a dream, and you can take one look as i fall in between, with my eyes just as big as my mouth can be, why dont you say so?" Poppin' Champange - ATL

WHEN THINGS WERE STILL SIMPLE AND NOT SO FUCKING PHSYCOTIC.

And sometimes its just so so funny.

"Why do you realize it in someone else but not in yourself?"

Its myself.

Its not you guys.

So its mkay.

I love you guys know, all of you.

:}