Trip

Hey kids.

I wanna share a little something with ya'll today.

Firstly im gonna start of with thanking Allah for such awesome parents.

Apparently, theyve stopped scolding me whenever i fail my exams or get bad grades.

But, of course not so bad bad lah.

Kay so point is.

I got some of most of my results back today and,

they arent sweeeet.

And i came to this uhm, conclusion..?

That id pretty much prefer if my parents scolded me if i get bad results.

I mean, they have a stand.

Alright i know "its good that my parents understand" but..

Its not about whether my parents know i studied or not..

But its more to like..

disappointment?

I mean, my parents keep saying "its okay if you dont do well cause at least you worked hard for it and put in effort :)"

and ya'll prolly think its cool BUT

its just painful for me cuz i feel that ive crushed their hopes.

If not theirs, my own.

I may not have disappointed them but i have disappointed MYSELF.

And i feel like im lying to them and myself, and its not enough.

Eff.

I see all those smart kids in all those smart schools and i think to myself,

their parents spend SO MUCH money compared to mine and they can make their parents happy and all with the results they bring home but,

my parents spend THAT MUCH money compared to theirs and i cant even make my parents happy and all with the results i bring home.

Like how much more unappreciative can i be?!

Maybe theyre just born smart or something but,

why can i BE smart?

I know ive been trying but why cant i try harder?!?!?!

Why am i so concerned about trying to help others more than trying to help myself?!

What is wrong with me.

I just fear that its too late.

All the money my parents put in for tuition and everything.

All seemed to go to waste.

I wasted it.

All of it.

It gives me the shivers.

I got my Maths results and i failed F9 straight in my face.

My classmate got A or something and she went "Wah i did so badly lahh!!!" and all i could do was just stare at her, realizing how fucked up my life was, and just waiting for myself to break down.

So i texted Mama and what she said just made me want to cry more.

She did not scold me at all.

AT ALL.

And i felt such guilt take over me so hard and fast.

Ive seen people fail since primary six and ive seen them and still do see them bucking up so high and im still that down low.

I am weak in Mathematics. I am weak in Sciences. I am weak in Humanities. I am getting weaker by the month in Malay.

I have so much hope on English it scares me.

And as for why im crying over my results,

its not because i failed by 69 marks, 19 marks, 10 marks, or even a freaking 1.5 marks..

Its more like because i failed my parents.

And i failed myself.

I have to pass all these shit in the end anyway.

Mama & Papa, i love you :')